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Restoration, One to Anotherby Pastor Robert A. Pannier
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© copyright 2009 Before Jesus was arrested and crucified, He prayed for His disciples, and for all Believers. One of the primary focuses of His prayer was that they be unified. In John 17:20-24 Jesus prayed:
His prayer was that Believers would focus on unity, as Jesus and the Father are unified, because it is through that unity that we are able to endure hardships and defeat the schemes of Satan. But He also understood that there would be times when Believers would simply not get along. Times when disputes would arise that would lead to sin, bitterness and division. We're human beings after all, and as such we have our own individual desires and needs, that at times may be in conflict with other's desires and needs. When this occurs we can become bitter and angry. This is obviously counterproductive to being unified. Jesus called for us to be unified. So what do we do when there is a disagreement between us and another Believer, or when we see that there is a conflict between two Christians? The Bible provides insight into this, and explains to us how we should resolve these issues. Unfortunately, man has taken the words of Jesus and made them into a legalistic set of rules and guidelines. Understand, you are not intended to be at odds with others, especially those who are your Brothers and Sisters in Christ. In Romans 12:8 Paul writes:
It is our obligation to work at being in a peaceful relationship with all. Is that possible? Maybe. After all, all things are possible with God. I also understand that there are some who no matter what you do they will not live at peace with you. This does not release you from the command of God however. You are still expected to live at peace with everyone that you can. In this book I hope to show you that there is a plan that God has devised that will eliminate the conflicts that we have with one another. That through the act of love and forgiveness all matters can be resolved and there can be the peace and unity that God so strongly desires for us. God Wants RestorationI will tell you that there is a completely right way to deal with all issues. God set what is right and wrong and I do not dispute that in any way. He is the judge of all things and He is the Lawgiver. Thus what He says is always right. Most are in agreement with what God says about right and wrong. The problem people have is how to deal with law-breakers. What do we do with those that have transgressed the Law and continue to do so? This is where the polarization becomes an issue. With each law in the Bible man has created methods to deal with those who have broken or transgressed the commandment. Some say that grace covers everything and so there is no need to discipline anyone for their actions, while others are deeply rooted in legalism and seek to fully punish someone into submission. Often this discipline is done to the extreme, going far beyond what is expected by God to restore a person. Let's do a little test on how well we understand the demands of the Bible. Let's say you have a dog that attacks your neighbor and injures them severely; what should happen to you? I bet most would say that you should go to jail for not controlling your animal. This is what our law demands. But that is not what the Bible tells us. Exodus 21:28-29 reads:
There are two options that can happen here. If this is not an established practice of the animal, the animal is simply put to death and the owner is not responsible in any way. However, if the animal has been known to attack and injure people and is still not controlled by the owner, then the owner is to be put to death as well. What makes God's Law so perfect is that He understands that sometimes things happen that are beyond our control. There is not always malice or even negligence in our actions. That sometimes you can do things right, and the results still turn out bad. This has been lost within our system of justice, and this is because pastors and priests are demanding punishment over reconciliation. I want you to realize that God's Law was always created for the purpose of restoring relationships or people. When one sinned they harmed themselves, the person they sinned against and maybe even the community as a whole. When they paid their debt or worked it off then everyone won. Our current system makes a loser out of everyone, and this is why it has no real effectiveness. I know I may be a bit redundant in my explanation of restoration, but this is an important concept in relation to love and forgiveness, because it is the foundation of why God created the Law in the way He did. God wants us unified, and this can only succeed by restoring relationships that are strained or broken. Restoration is the key. This leads us to the solution. The Matthew 18 PrincipleWhenever I hear pastors speak on the idea of reconciliation among Believers they always refer to the passage in Matthew 18:15-17:
The process that Jesus gives is pretty simple. But let me explain it a little further to ensure that there is no misunderstanding related to this. If you have a dispute with someone, go to them personally and try to fix it. Call them, instant messenger them or go to them personally and tell them that they have offended you in some way. I would not recommend text messaging or emailing them however. These are just a little too impersonal and leave room for too much misinterpretation of the message. You go the person and explain the offense that they have committed. This offense needs to be a legitimate grievance. Because they did not pick you to be the solo performer on the worship team for this week's service, or they did not select to sit next to you in church is not a reason to be offended. I want to focus on this for a moment, because this is where a lot of conflicts could be avoided right away. We get offended way too easily. That someone didn't give us the respect we thought we deserved, said something we didn't like, or looked at us in a manner we considered as a challenge has been the source of way too many conflicts. We simply get too upset about miniscule things. I remember that once someone was very upset at me and no longer wanted to be friends, because he thought I did not laugh significantly enough at a funny idea he had. The fact that I had just found out that my grandfather had died (something he knew that I had just learned) didn't seem to alter his assessment about the level of frivolity I should have felt. Was he offended? Yes. Should he have been? No. We not only find ridiculous reasons to be upset, but we hold onto these conflicts for years, thinking that we have a right to continue to be upset. Your friend took your boyfriend in high school, and you have not talked since. Your neighbor accidentally knocked down your fence and now you are mortal enemies. When we hold these kinds of issues in our lives the only one we are helping is Satan. He is very happy that we are angry and is enjoying these little squabbles. We have literally turned a mole hill into a mountain. There is also the issue of taking up other's offenses. We often get involved in being offended at what one person has done to another. I am not talking about resolving a dispute, which I will address in a later section. I am specifically talking about being offended about what one person has done to another. This is not allowed. You have no right to take up the offense of another. However, we do this all the time, but God does not permit it. This is taking sides and it is the exact opposite of unification. What we need to see is that Jesus wanted there to be restoration between the two parties that are in conflict. He wants them to be of one mind again so that the body can be "whole," but if you are taking up the offense of another you are only making the situation worse. Your joining one side is only going to inspire others to take sides as well. This does not create unification. While I understand that there are situations where you feel that you are obliged or have authority to take a side, the Bible does not give you such authority. It does not matter if your wife's co-worker called her a bad name, your son's girlfriend broke up with him, or your mom's repairman cheated her, you cannot claim that offense as your own. The wrongdoing must be against you personally for you to take up the offense. We read that Jesus said to first go to the person and try to reconcile the situation. This makes sense. The best way to resolve a matter is to directly go and rectify the situation with the person. If things work correctly, they will admit their error, seek forgiveness, and the relationship with be restored. However, there may be circumstances where the person is unwilling to admit they made an error, and the offense is such that there is a need for this person to repent of their offense. The offense does not need to be something that affects more than the person who is wronged. If there is a relationship that is compromised by the sinful actions of one person then this is affecting all of the body of Christ. The next step Jesus tells us is to bring two or three to bear witness to the offense. Now let me explain this a little further. There is an important part of verse 16 that seems to be ignored. Jesus said the reason you bring others along is because "every matter may be established by the testimony of two or three witnesses." The two or three witnesses are not coming as witnesses to the denial of the offense. In other words, if the person who has committed the offense says that they did not do so, you are not bringing witnesses to testify that "the offender" said that he or she did not commit the offense. Instead you are bringing the witnesses so that they can state as fact that they know that the person committed this offense. This is where many miss what Jesus is saying. The witnesses come to testify to the person being confronted that they have personal knowledge, through what they have witnessed themselves, that the accused person has committed the offense. To be able to do so, these two or three witnesses must have seen the offense occur. They could not have heard about it. This would be hearsay, which is not bearing witness. They must have actually witnessed the act itself. Jesus confirmed this in other places in the Bible. In John 8:17 He said:
This was the established Law of God. One could not be accused of anything unless at least two people could testify that they had seen or heard what had happened. Deuteronomy 19:15:
I do not want to seem legalistic, but clearly God demanded that there be more than one person saying that something is true for a person to be accused. This was to eliminate the "he said, she said" issues. Even Paul confirmed this idea. In 1 Timothy 5:19 he writes:
I think this is very important for us to grasp this idea, because you cannot bring someone to bear witness if that "witness" did not actually observe the offense. You cannot have someone say that you heard from someone else that this happened, or to say that they your accusation. The only reason someone can come with you is to support that they had witnessed the offense, and that they are confirming your "testimony." You may wonder what you would do if no one else witnessed the offense. Can you bring others then? The answer would be no. If no one else can testify to the truth of the offense, then according to God the wrongdoing has not been established, and it cannot be so. We will discuss what you can do about this in a later section. But let us say that you have brought witnesses and the person still refuses to admit to the offense. Then you are to bring that person before the church. The church body has the authority to rule on this issue because there are at least two witnesses who can establish the truth of the issue. They have heard and/or seen what has happened and can state what they have witnessed. This is what Paul explained to the Corinthian church that they should have done to a man the whole community was aware was having a relationship with his father's wife. In 1 Corinthians 5:1-5 Paul writes:
Everyone knew this was going on, but it seemed that no one had done anything about it. Paul admonished them that they should have brought this man before the church assembly and confronted him on his behavior. He then tells them that this man should be handed over to Satan if he is unwilling to repent of his actions. But here is where many churches miss the mark again. They understand "hand him over to Satan," to mean kick the person out of the church and let them go on their evil ways. But this is not what Paul is saying. If we understand it in light of what Jesus said in this teaching, then handing them over to Satan means to "treat them like a pagan or tax collector." Well how did Jesus treat them? We will return to this idea in a moment. This is the "The Matthew 18 Principle." Through it Jesus was teaching how relationships can be restored and fellowship renewed, but of course these verses are often used in the reverse way. In fact, at one point (when I was ignorant of the true meaning of this verse) I used this principle in a manner intended to divide. Here is what happens. One person sins against another. The second person is upset so they confront the first person demanding that they repent of their sin. The first person does not repent, often because of the accusatory manner in which he is approached, and so the second person brings some of his friends to confront the first person again. Again he does not repent, so they demand that the whole church confront this man. When he still does not acknowledge his sin he is "treated" like a pagan or tax collector and kicked out of the church. Sound familiar as a teaching? There is one major problem with that line of thinking. Jesus is teaching this message, and so we must ask, "How did He treat pagans and tax collectors?" The answer is that He loved them greatly and welcomed them with open arms. He never considered having them removed from His presence. In fact when He was challenged by the religious leaders for fellowshipping with tax collectors He openly rebuked them for their self-righteous attitude. We read in Matthew 9:9-12:
Kicking people out of church was never what Jesus had in mind. He knew that someone who did not see the sin that they had committed was in need of additional love, and thus in need of a "doctor." We are supposed to be the doctors to the spiritually ill who need to be loved and shown the right way through love. In addition, often the person who has been wronged does not approach the "sinner" in a manner that is conducive to resolving the issue. They do not come seeking restoration, but justice, discipline and punishment. They want that person to grovel and beg for forgiveness and when this does not happen they become indignant. I am sure that you would agree that most of us have a difficult time accepting the criticism of others, especially when that criticism is given in a demeaning way. Yet we approach others in this way, and expect them to acknowledge how wretched they are. Wow, what a surprise it is when they don't see it our way. What is disheartening is that this is a standard teaching of the church. Get them to repent and if they don't we will kick them out. I have some very good Mennonite friends who see this in their churches all the time. Their church rules are really beyond words. For example it is a church sin to not have steel tires on your tractor. Why? No one knows, but if you have rubber tires you are going to be called before the church to explain yourself and to repent. If you don't repent you are excommunicated. This is ridiculous I will admit, but there are many such rules that are used in churches throughout the world to remove people from the church body, and it is the church leaders who are behind a majority of this teaching. It looks good to remove those who just don't do things the "right" way, but it's not Biblical at all. The Matthew 18 Principle Put in ContextTo understand this teaching better we must read all of Matthew 18. Matthew 18 begins with a discussion of arrogance. In verse 1 we read:
The Disciples wanted to know which of them would be the greatest in the kingdom of heaven. This is a question that was asked by them on many occasions. The focus was on their individual greatness and not on being like Jesus. Jesus responds as follows:
Jesus shows them a small child and tells them that the greatest is the one who comes to God as a child does. Well how does a child approach things? The answer is that they are accepting. They don't try to cloud issues with their personal biases and knowledge. They don't include their own logic, but instead accept the words that are explained to them. In addition, they are very accepting of being a part of something, and don't need to be running things. How often do you see a four year old child demand to be in charge of a group of people? It doesn't happen. The Disciples were looking to find out how they could be in charge, the most important and influential. Jesus pointed out that to be great one must be willing to just be excited about being involved. He then teaches us something that should be a stern warning to all of us about how we deal with new Believers. Verses 5-7 tell us:
"Small children" is not only speaking about physical children but spiritual ones as well. He is talking about those who are new in Christ; the ones who are excited about their experience of meeting Jesus for the first time. When we welcome those people and embrace them as new Brothers and Sisters we are welcoming Jesus. But here is where we often fail. Many of us don't like certain people and resent them being Believers. So we push them away or ignore them. We need to understand that when we do this we are directly shunning Jesus. These are His words to us, not mine. Just as bad as pushing them away is the false teachings that are poured upon these men and women as they struggle to learn and mature. Church rules, guidelines and traditions are dumped on them, often leading to discouragement or apathy. By doing this we may have led this person into sin. Jesus is telling us that woe has just been called upon us. I don't know about you, but the last thing I want God calling upon me is woe. Whenever Jesus did that, terrible things happened. Our obligation to new Believers, as it is to small children, is to teach them the right way. Say that you had a child and you began to teach them wrong ideas about math, like the plus sign is really division, and you taught grammar and spelling all wrong. How long do you think it would be before someone confronted you about how you were hindering your child? That would simply be wrong. Why don't we have this same attitude about new Believers? If we know what is right it is our obligation to teach what is right. If we don't know, then don't teach. Find someone that does know. Jesus then teaches us:
Now just so you know, He is not advocating self-amputation in any way. Just to share with you a story, the great third century Christian theologian Origen battled with his feelings of lust to the point that he castrated himself. This is not what God is demanding of us. He is making a spiritual point to us that if you have teachings or ideals in your head that are not right, and that are causing you to sin, you need to detach yourself from these beliefs. It may mean that you will not be accepted by your church or your friends, but it is better to have the right teachings than to be led astray. I will tell you that this happened to me. When I became more enlightened about the Scriptures not all my Christian Brothers saw this as a good thing. In fact another man named Robert openly told me to no longer communicate with him. We see that this first section of verses was focused on restoration with God. We saw how we must approach God, like a child. Then Jesus told us that we should not be leading others astray, because this creates division in the Body of Christ, and He concluded by telling us how we must detach ourselves from things that hinder our relationship with Him. Jesus then tells the Parable of the Lost Sheep.
Jesus told other parables of this nature. Three are mentioned for example in Luke 15, including the Lost Coin and the Prodigal Son. What this shows is that God desires that every single person be reconciled to Him. Not just some or a few. He wants them ALL. It also tells us that the one who is lost is essential to the rest of us as well. In 1 Corinthians 12 Paul describes the group of Believers as a body. 1 Corinthians 12:14-20:
If your toe fell off you would simply not leave it and walk on. You would do all you could to get your toe back. If you had a cut on your knee, your whole body reacts to help that cut. More blood is pumped, blood platelets are produced, white blood cells are increased, digestion occurs more quickly, hormones are secreted, and your body temperature rises just to name a few things. All of this occurs without opposition. What I mean is that your heart doesn't say, "I don't want there to be more blood to that stupid cut." There is a need to keep the body whole and healthy. This should be true of us as well. We should see the need of each member of our Body and do all we can to keep us bound to them. No matter what is going on, we need to live at peace with all, and we need those who are lost to be restored so that we will be whole. Without them we are like a person who has one less toe. While we may function well, we are not at peak capacity. It is with this background that Jesus now covers a situation where a brother has offended you. The attitude one must take when they approach the person about their sin is to first be focused on restoration. There should be an attitude that we need this person, and if they walk away because of my need for my form of justice then we are all hurt. We must approach people with the humility that comes from understanding that no one person is more important than another. That means that our form of justice is not more important than the other person's, and is most definitely not more important than God's need for mercy and forgiveness. Understand one key point that comes in having this attitude. James tells us in James 2:13 that mercy triumphs over judgment. When you approach someone to judge them, you are less likely to win them to the right pathway than if you approach them in mercy. Even if mercy is successful one percent more than judgment then we must go with the odds. Verse 18 then tells us:
This is a very unfortunate translation, because it gives the impression that God is reacting to the manner in which we think. If we forgive something and loose it then God will do that. The reality is that it is the other way around. The Young's Literal Translation of this verse reads:
In this verse we see that the things that we loose on earth have already been loosed in heaven. And the things we bind on earth have already been bound in heaven. We are thus saying amen to what God has already done. This then leads us to ask what things have been loosed and what things have been bound. God has loosed peace, forgiveness, mercy, love, patience, compassion, grace, and restoration. He has bound hatred, division, malice, anger, unforgiveness, bitterness, and pride. It is time that we loose and bind the same things that He has. When we do this we see the results that Jesus speaks of in verses 19-20:
When we come together seeking to loose the same things that God has loosed those things will be done by God. This is a verse that is often translated to mean if you and I ask for something to happen then God has to do it. So if we want to win the lottery He will do that for us. But we must see this in the context of the verses. This should be exciting news for many of you that are in institutions that are filled with evil and demonic forces at work. If you come together to loose the things of God and bind the things of Satan your heavenly Father will hear this and do as you ask. When you seek to do the things of God and come in agreement with God He will bind those things that are present where you are, and you can stop things such as extortion, fighting, bigotry, and hatred. You can also loose patience, forgiveness, unity and peace. I am sure that would make your lives much easier. Jesus then concludes this by pointing out that when you come together in this manner, seeking and binding according to God's plan, that He is there with you. This is again another verse that is often misunderstood. People assume that if I throw Jesus' Name into the conversation that He is there as a member of that group. So if you are talking about how you wish Jesus would bring wrath on someone He is happily joining your conversation? In understanding the verse we must realize that there is much more to Jesus than just His name. What I mean is that His name has context behind it. For example if you thought of my name there would be some imagery and ideas about me that would come with my name. For those of you who have seen me personally you may conjure an image of Richie Cunningham. For those who have written or talked to me you may have ideas about me based upon the words I have used. This means that my name has a character to it. This is true of Jesus as well. When He says that when we come together in His Name He is present, He is talking about coming together acknowledging the character and righteousness of Him. We don't come together in His Name if we do not acknowledge the person behind that name. We see an example of this kind of improper invoking of Jesus' Name when Paul was in Ephesus. In Acts 19:13-16 we read:
These men tried to use Jesus' Name to drive away evil spirits, but the spirits instead beat them up, because they did not know who Jesus really was. He was just a name to them. When we come together in His Name we need to understand that this Name has the power to bind and loose, and in that Name there are things that have been bound and loosed. When we speak in opposition to the character of the Name, Jesus is most assuredly not present. The next thing that happens is that Peter questions Jesus on how often we should forgive. Verse 22 reads:
It is unfortunate again that the NIV has chosen to translate this as seventy-seven instead of seventy times seven times. This means we forgive at least 490 times. If we look at the Matthew 18 Principle we see that someone would be confronted three times about their sin before some conclude that he or she would be removed from the church. Does that make sense in light of forgiving 490 times? Not only do we know that the teaching to remove them is wrong because it does not show love and it is not based upon restoration, but it also defies the right of a person to be forgiven 490 times before they are held accountable. Now some may say that forgiving someone 490 times only occurs if they ask for forgiveness, but Jesus did not add that. He is simply asked how often should you forgive a brother who sins against you, and His response was 490 times. There was no addition of "if the brother repents or asks for forgiveness." We will continue this thought in the last section. Matthew 18 concludes with the parable of the Merciless Servant. In verses 23-35 we read:
In this parable we are shown the contrast of two men. Both owe debts, with the debt of the first one being significantly larger than that of the second one. In our modern equivalency it would be like the first person owed one million dollars and the second owed two-weeks salary. The first servant approaches his master and begs for forgiveness of his debt, and it is granted. Yet when the second servant asks the first for mercy the first servant refuses to grant it. Instead he has him put in prison until he could pay the debt. The purpose of this parable is to teach about mercy. We love to go to the feet of Jesus and beg for forgiveness. We know that the sins we have committed are way beyond anything that we could imagine repaying to God. In fact, there is no way that we could ever repay the "debt" that we owe God for our sins. The only way to do so would be with our lives, because the only wage for sin is death (Romans 6:23). Yet with the understanding that God has done so much to release us from the debt we owe, we do so little to show the same mercy to others. When others come to us we frequently show no mercy, instead demanding that they pay their debt for how they have wronged us. I see this happen more within the judicial system than anywhere else. The truth is that we have all committed lots of sins. We have all stolen something at some point, most of have committed sexual sins, and we have all followed false teachings and put other idols before God. We have all fallen short in numerous areas. However, when someone wrongs us, we are quick to run to the police or some other authority, and demand "justice" for the wrongs that have been committed against us. If you really want to see the unmerciful spirit of many Christians watch the news with them. I find this to be a true indicator of where their mercy is. All they are hearing is the skewed and sensationalized presentation of a story intended to make someone look as bad as possible. With each story you can hear the judgment upon how despicable that person is. There is no mercy at all. While the Christian may be guilty of some of the same things, they are quick to condemn others. It is quite a site. When we do this we are inviting God to judge us in the same way that we are judging others. Jesus said in Matthew 7:1-2:
We may look at the sins that others have committed and think that we are allowed to judge that person because we did not commit those sins. "I am better than them because I did not do that." Fill in what that is. Yet understand that when we appear before Jesus for judgment He is going to use that same standard against us. He is going to say, "You are right that you did not commit those sins that you judged as wrong, but I committed NONE of the sins that you did." Judgment will then be upon us. Consider the story of David for a moment. David had everything he could want, but he saw Bathsheba, the wife of Uriah, and he had to have her, so he did. She got pregnant, and David did all he could to try to get Uriah to have relations with her so it would look like it was his baby, but he refused. So David had him killed, and took Bathsheba for himself. God was very unhappy about this and so he sent the prophet Nathan to confront David. Nathan told David the following parable. 2 Samuel 12:1-4:
David was outraged when he heard this parable. Verses 5-6 tell us:
David did not know that the person who was unmerciful in the parable was him. In his anger he demanded that the person who had committed this offense pay four times over for his lack of pity. This is exactly what God did. Four of David's sons died. You see the same measure that he used on the person in the parable was used against him. I can almost see David watching the nightly news when the anchorman (Nathan) comes on the air to share this story. David is sitting at home in his recliner when he sees the story. Leaning forward in the chair with his hands clenched on the arm rests he demands punishment for this terrible man. David judged and he paid.four times over. This is what awaits us when we do not show mercy. There is a simple way to avert judgment even from God.be merciful. Remember that mercy triumphs over judgment, and so if we demonstrate mercy to others God will bypass judgment and give us mercy as well. Being A Sinner When OffendedEarlier I discussed the need for us to not be offended so easily; that if we are not so quickly frustrated and angered by other's words and actions we would not need to confront people on their behavior. The Bible is quite clear that when we get offended we are actually the sinners. In our need to confront someone else, we actually should be going to them seeking their forgiveness for letting ourselves become offended. I believe that I will be teaching this from a position that not many of you have heard before. That is good, and I hope you take this to heart and apply this in your life. I assure you that you will be shown amazing results. I want to point out the reality of any offense that is perpetrated against you.if you were truly grounded in Jesus you would not care. Psalm 119:165 tells us:
If you love God's Law, you will have complete peace, and nothing will cause you to become offended or to stumble. It doesn't matter what people do to you, you will be unoffendable (yes I just made that word up). But we are not loving His Law in the way that we should, and so we stumble. By not loving His Law this makes us lawbreakers, and sinners. If we have allowed ourselves to be offended then we have sinned. This means that we need to acknowledge our part in a dispute between ourselves and someone who has sinned against us. If you approach them acknowledging your sin you are more likely to find reconciliation in your relationship, and, after all, this is the goal. I will tell you that I have been faced with these scenarios many times in life. I want to use one as an example. A number of years ago my daughter was being treated poorly by her teacher, and so I asked for a parent-teacher conference. The teacher was wrong, and there was no other way to see it. I could have gone in there and told her that what she did was wrong and I would have been right to do so. But I also realized that I had sinned as well by not finding peace in God. I needed to acknowledge my sin to her. I began the conversation by asking her for forgiveness. I explained that my daughter had told me what had happened and that I had become offended by this and this had caused me to take offense at her; that I had broken our relationship by becoming offended. She was quite taken aback and gladly forgave me. She then listened to what I had to say and was very deeply apologetic for what had gone on, and she too acknowledged that she had used poor judgment. What resulted was complete restoration between our family and my daughter's teacher. We were all at peace with each other. What I want you to see out of this is that through my acknowledgment of my own sin it removed the potential for barriers to be formed. Her teacher was disarmed by my admission of my own sin, and this made it easier for her to open herself up to me and admit her own errors. When criticized most of us put up walls of defense to ignore the criticism. My acknowledgment of my own sin stopped those walls from ever being built. This allowed us to reconcile and bring about peace. Some may read this and think that I am manipulating in approaching her in this way, but that is simply not the case. Acknowledging one's sins to restore a relationship is not manipulation; it is the godly thing to do. Brothers and Sisters, when we seek to restore what is broken and do it in humility we are more likely to restore ourselves to others and to be at peace. Blessed Are the PeacemakersThe Matthew 18 principle is a great method for resolving issues. Obviously since Jesus taught it, we can take confidence in the fact that this is a means to solve conflict between Believers, but it is not the only one. Too often Believers get caught up in the idea that this is the only method to settle disputes. They become legalistic about it instead of seeing the true purpose in this process. A friend of mine shared a story with me once. His daughter-in-law was upset at him for something he had said. She told her husband, his son, and the son went to his dad to tell him that his wife was upset at him. The dad began to listen to his son, but as he heard that the daughter-in-law was upset, he became irritated that she had not come to him directly, so he refused to listen to his son on the issue. He told his son that she was not following Matthew 18 and that if she wanted this resolved she had to come to him on her own. This is legalism at its best. What I found almost humorous about his response was that he was offended that his son came to tell him about it, instead of her. She was offended at something he had said, and he was offended that she hadn't told him she was offended. I thought to myself that this seemed like a really ridiculous reason to be offended, and it was. Jesus did not give this process to be the one and only way to settle disputes. He gave this example so that we would have a model for reconciling broken relationships. It was nothing more than this. No one looks at the Lord's Prayer as the only way to pray, and so we should not look at this method as the only means to settle disputes. But this is the teaching of most churches. If you want to settle a dispute you better use this way and this way only. If you deviate from it you are wrong. This is not only being legalistic, it is being unbiblical. In Matthew 5-7 Jesus is giving his famous Sermon on the Mount. This was a series of teachings where he not only wanted to teach the people the truth about how they should live, but also He wanted to correct a lot of false ideals. This is why He began a lot of what He said with "You have heard it said .., but I tell you ." He began this sermon with the Beatitudes. In Matthew 5:9 we read:
Now to grasp this thoroughly we need to understand what a peacemaker is. This is not someone who maintains a peace that already exists. If that was the case Jesus would have said "Blessed are the peacekeepers." Peacemakers are ones who go into tumultuous situations and bring the peace of God, thus changing the whole atmosphere, creating love and cooperation. In other words, peace is brought where peace did not exist before. How is one supposed to be a peacemaker? Are they just supposed to pray? Or maybe they are just to put people in a room together to let them work out their differences, hoping that they don't kill each other? This is not peacemaking. As I said before, peacemakers are ones who create peace where peace does not exist. This is what Jesus did. He settled the dispute between God and man by dying on the cross and now serves as our Mediator with God. 1 Timothy 2:5 tells us:
Jesus goes to God on our behalf to not only advocate for the things we desire, but to also ensure that there is peace between us and God. In Galatians 3:20 Paul says of a mediator.
This tells us that a mediator is one who represents both parties in settling a dispute. In essence they are peacemakers. They create peace where peace did not exist before. When the son of my friend came to his dad to tell him that his wife was upset, he was led by the Holy Spirit to be a peacemaker. His goal was restoration, but his dad was too caught in legalism. Isn't the goal to be restored? It should have been, but being too conformed to the rule does not give room for God's Spirit to use others to settle disputes. If only the two parties were the ones who could discuss the offense and settle the dispute, then Jesus should not have come to make us friends with God again. He would have been breaking His own rule by doing so. But Jesus is not the only one whom God used in this way. In Ezekiel 22:30 God said:
What was God looking for? A mediator, a peacemaker; someone that was willing to stand in the gap on behalf of the people and the land and repent for the sins of the Israelites. God wanted someone to remove judgment by being a peacemaker between the people and God. Many people refute this teaching based upon the fact that they feel that to tell another in the hopes that they would settle a dispute would be akin to gossiping, but this is not the case. Gossip is when you tell someone something for no other purpose but to just tell them. What I mean is, it is done not to help or benefit anyone, but instead to harm or injure. To continue to spread information that is really no one else's business. However, seeking the assistance of another to act as a mediator or provide redirection is completely allowed. In 1 Corinthians 1:11 we see an example of this. Paul writes:
Was this gossip? No, the people in Chloe's household wanted these divisions resolved, and they needed Paul's help to settle it. There are honestly some situations where it may not even be possible for a person to come and try to rectify the situation on their own. A child is spanked or yelled at by their dad for no reason; can they tell their dad they were offended? Isn't it better that the mom step in on behalf of the child to resolve this? Many members of churches are intimidated by the pastor, and I see that often pastors use their vast Biblical knowledge to intimidate those who question their authority. What are they supposed to do? Sometimes the thing that is said is so hurtful or intimidating that it is hard to tell that person how they offended you. This is what happened with me. I said something that was stupid to my oldest daughter once. She believed what I said. One day I was talking to my other daughter when she said that the first daughter was offended. I personally had no idea, and this would have remained an area of struggle between us. Thankfully my younger daughter told me how I had offended the older one so I could rectify this. Did I think this was gossip? No, she was hurt. She should have been, and my younger daughter acted as a mediator. She wanted both of us to be at peace with each other. This was the Holy Spirit moving within her and she was acting as a peacemaker. Thank God that she did. Understand that I could have gotten offended that my older daughter did not properly resolve the situation by coming to me personally to voice that she was offended. But what would that have served? Nothing. We need to see the value in those who help to mediate and resolve problems between two people. After all, isn't this what counselors and therapists do? Don't they seek to restore relationships that are strained? We need to realize that relationships are threatened even within the church. At a church I used to attend a conflict developed between the senior pastor and the church board. It was rather heated, and since these were the primary directors of the church, it was not good for them to be odds. The problem seemed insurmountable. So they brought in an outside group to help resolve the issue. It was a group that helps pastors and church boards resolve differences and restore relationships. Apparently this kind of conflict is quite common and is destroying many churches. So this group came in and helped to resolve the problem The name of the organization? Peacemakers. Being led by the Holy Spirit they are helping to restore relationships amongst the leadership of churches, and they are not following the Matthew 18 Principle to do so. They are using other methods, led by God, to solve problems. You see, there are alternatives. For those of you who still object to this reasoning and strictly adhere to the Matthew 18 Principle I have one additional argument for you. You are offended and you confront the person. They reject your words. So you go and tell some others to come with you. If asking a mediator to assist is gossip, then isn't this gossip as well? Using this argument it would have to be, especially in light of the fact that people usually bring someone who did not even witness the offense. They bring others to stand behind them and help them accuse. This is gossip. You brought these people to pump you up, and use mob mentality. Restoration is not only not going to happen, the offense is only going to escalate. We need to let God move as He sees fit, and if reconciliation occurs because we have brought a mediator into the situation, then praise God!! Jesus wants us to be unified; why are we so against letting the Spirit use others to do this? Why the Principle Fails?I have mentioned in passing a few reasons why the Matthew 18 Principle does not work. I talked about coming to people with wrong motives, bringing others to bully someone into submission, and speaking in a demeaning manner toward those with which we hold offense. These methods will not promote restoration. But there is an even bigger reason why this principle fails - it is not used. While I do see this used in some churches, I would say that the vast majority of disputes are never handled at all. It is not just that they do not use Matthew 18; they simply don't do anything to settle any kind of conflict. This ensures that restoration cannot occur. Often the reason the principle is not used is because it is not taught by the pastor or minister. People don't understand how they can settle disputes, and so they let them fester. The responsibility does not solely fall on the clergy however. Anyone of us can open our Bibles and read what Jesus said. So let us not be so quick to pass the blame. There are some who confront another about the offense, and when nothing is resolved they do nothing else. They don't want to involve others, or they just don't know who to turn to, and so the issue never gets resolved. This is not right either, unless they intend to just forgive. We will discuss this more in the next section. There are also those times that the person does go to the pastor seeking assistance and the pastor does nothing. I do not mean to make this seem like pastors don't care. Some churches have two thousand members and the pastor cannot handle every dispute. He or she will often only settle disputes between people they know well. This may mean there is no other avenue to approach someone to seek assistance in resolving issues. If this is the case in your church then you should talk to your pastor and church elders about creating a group to assist as peacemakers. This is a Biblical idea and should be used in every church. There may also be the case where the pastor thinks that it is "inappropriate" for the church to confront people in this way. They don't want to embarrass anyone, and they explain to you that calling someone in front of the church would be humiliating and only further drive the person into their sin. While this may seem to make sense, remember that this is not what Paul told the Corinthians to do. He told them to directly confront the behavior as a church body. To be honest, if love for the person is your motivation, then you should not be afraid to confront them. Other times some pastors think that they don't have time to do these kinds of confrontations. They have a limited time to speak, sing praise and worship, and collect tithes and offerings, and so they can't have their time used for this kind of issue. So they give you a little speech about how you should just "forgive" and move on. Or maybe they tell you that you are judging and that if you do not want to be judged by God you better just drop the whole matter. I do understand that time in service can be limited. An hour or seventy-five minutes is not a lot of time, and so trying to add church confrontations can disrupt the flow of service. If this is the case, then other times need to be scheduled to allow the church to do its duty. Remember it is the responsibility of the church to settle disputes and restore relationships. A problem that we face is that many don't think that church is the place to resolve issues. This is why they decide to go to court. Paul disagreed with this action. 1 Corinthians 6:1-8:
The church is the proper place to settle disputes. When we do not resolve a matter amongst ourselves, we leave our Brothers and Sisters with only one option: to find justice in a court and let judges or juries resolve the matter. The problem is that the judge does not do things in accordance with God and the Bible. This is especially true today, where our society has become more and more secular in its way of ruling. Also understand that courts are not concerned with restoration; they are concerned with providing their form of "justice," which is often not God's form of justice. When people are forced to go to court to resolve issues, they often leave the court even more embittered than before. The court's form of justice is that one person wins and the other loses. They are not usually concerned with both parties being satisfied with the outcome, and are sure not concerned with both parties living together in peace. If you want proof just watch some of these courtroom shows like "Judge Judy." At the end of each case they ask the two parties how they feel about the case. I have never heard the parties say, "Well now that this matter is resolved, our relationship is restored." They always leave with the loser being angry and making excuses, and the winner gloating. This is not what God wants. It is the church's responsibility to provide outlets for people to go and settle their disputes, so that they can be restored. It is time that those who know the Bible and understand God's ways settle matters so we do not have a secular, pagan system making decisions. Or would you rather have Paul declaring: "I say this to shame you!" It's All About ForgivenessWith all this said, there is one important thought in which we need to close this study. No matter what has happened to you, or if someone repents or not, the truth of the matter is that reconciliation begins with forgiveness. Realistically all of us are going to be offended at some point, by something that someone says or does. A lot of times they may be kidding, but they hit the right button on us, and we become angry. This has happened to all of us. In addition, all of us have offended others. We too have said things, either kidding or not, and offended someone else. A comment about how someone looked in a dress, or their new car, or the way they did their job, and BAM!!! Offense! We have all offended others. I mention this because I think it is important that we have a spirit of empathy toward those who have offended us. If we recognize our own shortcomings, and our own need for mercy, maybe this will help us to be more merciful toward others. You see, we may never have the chance to go to that person and tell them that we are offended. It may never happen. Should we then keep bitterness in our hearts forever? Of course not. This benefits no one, and it does not allow us to be merciful as we wish that others would be merciful toward us. Often when we are bitter about something that someone has done, they are unaware of our bitterness. Yet we wander around seething underneath at their callous actions toward us. The problem with this is that the only person that is hurt by this unforgiveness is the one who is being unforgiving. It was like a pastor told me once, "Bitterness is like drinking a poison, and hoping the other person will die." When you hold onto bitterness it does terrible things to your physical and emotional state. It causes sleepless nights, ulcers, high blood pressure, strain in other relationships and a poor attitude about life. The bitterness can destroy your life, all the while the person you are angry at is living well and not affected at all. The only option to fix this is to forgive. We have already seen that by becoming offended you have sinned as well. You were not delighting yourself in the way of the Lord, and therefore you are a sinner. You have offended the other person. So why not wipe the slate clean and simply forgive? It is better for you and for them. But you may wonder what you are supposed to do with really big offenses. Let's say that someone raped you, murdered a family member or caused you serious injury. Are you just supposed to forgive that too? Of course, God would have it no other way. I do not mean to seem insensitive to things that may have happened to you. I know some have had very traumatic experiences, and they have left you very bitter. Not only did you have to endure the experience, but then maybe a long duration of therapy, plus a court proceeding. It may have been lengthy, costly and very frustrating. Yet God still expects you to forgive. Let's understand that God forgave all sin. He not only forgave what happened to you, but to everyone else, including what the people did to Jesus. Consider that He was beaten, spit on, had thorns pushed into His head, flogged, nailed to a cross, mocked, pierced, and rejected by His very best friends. Yet His last words were to forgive us. This must be our attitude. No matter what happened to you, God would expect you to forgive. Understand that being bitter is only going to make things worse for you. Whether you have a valid reason to be upset or not, harboring anger and unforgiveness is going to tear you down physically and mentally as well. It is honestly just not worth it to hold anger inside yourself. If you forgive I guarantee that you will see amazing results in your life. Previously I mentioned a situation where a person has offended you and no one witnessed it. What could you do if you confronted them and they refused to acknowledge the sin, yet there is no witness to support your claim? I told you earlier that you could do nothing else, but there is one other thing you can do; forgive. You can simply choose not to hold an offense against them any longer. I know this seems simplistic, but it is what God expects us to do. God forgave us for things we have done, and not always have we truly repented of those things. Yet God was merciful and forgave us. In fact, God showed His love and forgiveness for us long before we were showing love to Him. Romans 5:8:
It is time that we start emulating Christ and doing things the way that He does them. ConclusionJesus wants a unified body of Believers. Not just believing that He is Lord of all, but a group that seeks to get along and remove barriers that stand in the way of unity. However, He clearly understands that there are going to be struggles along the way; that at times we will find reasons to be offended with each other and that this will lead to division. In His incredible wisdom He gave a plan on how those things can be resolved, which will lead to the body of Christ being whole again. His plan, which we call the Matthew 18 Principle, is a plan that can lead to great success, and aid in reaching this goal. But we must not be so narrow-minded to conclude that this is the only way to settle disputes. There are alternative methods that enable us to restore these broken relationships. At times God wants us to be peacemakers and mediate in situations where bitterness and anger are wreaking havoc in a relationship. As peacemakers we can change the attitudes so that people do not want to be bitter, but instead want to share in Communion with one another. It is time that we start binding the things that interfere with unity - bitterness, unforgiveness, hatred, bigotry - and loose the things which further unity - love, forgiveness, patience, and restoration. By doing this we will reach Jesus' goal of being unified. |
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